Where I Belong
by cantkeepmyeyesoffyou
Summary: Based on spoilers for the upcoming weeks...losing your heart's one and only is harder then anyone can imagine. And he's going to find it out the hard way.


He walked up to the door, pausing when he heard the sobs of a child. He looked through the window on the sides of the door to find the only mother figure in the child's life cooing him back to sleep. He knew that the fathers of the child said they were "too deep in grief" to take care of him. Of course, the blond standing in the living room, who was singing to the newborn, stepped up to the role of almost mother out of love for her friend. Jason looked up from the window; his stoic façade that he had placed on his face since he had found out the tragic news began to lighten. The beautiful baby somehow managed to slightly lift his spirits…just like the boy's mother once could. The moment he thought of her, the light in his crystal orbs had been replaced with darkness. Maybe this wasn't a good idea for him to be this close to her child on such a somber day. The day he tried to say good-bye to her forever.

As he began to turn, the door opened, "Jason? Where…Why are you leaving?" Carly answered with tears forming in her dark eyes as she soothed the young child in her arms.

Jason looked down at the child, his emotion's churning in his stomach, "I…I didn't know if it was…it would be ok with…" He tried to talk but the words kept getting caught in his throat. Grief had a funny way of doing that to you.

Carly tried to smile through the pain, "Jase, please come inside." She said, pleading with her eyes for her friend to stay.

He slightly nodded and walked inside. Jason walked near a desk in the living room and turned to face Carly. He noticed she was still wearing her black dress and her mass card from the service was sitting on her desk. He also noticed the baby wasn't sleeping any longer, but staring at him with a look on his face…the look a child would give the man who meant most to him; the look one gave to his father. Jason felt uncomfortable under the child's heavy gaze, partly because those eyes were so familiar, so piercing.

"Jase? How…How've you been doing? I haven't talked to you much since the night I called. Today was…it wasn't easy and I…I'm sorry that I didn't…" Carly rambled, with so much emotion, remembering that one phone call that changed his life as well as hers.

"Carly, it's alright. I haven't been in much of a speaking mood lately." Jason said, trying to send her a message that he didn't want to talk about feelings or emotions, He just…he couldn't explain what he wanted. Silence…Reverie…Memories. He wanted anything that could help him feel better then he did at this moment.

_**So tired of the straight line**_

_**And everywhere you turn**_

_**There's vultures and thieves at your back**_

**_And the storm keeps on twisting…_**

Carly saw he wanted her not to talk about what had happened, "Ok well, how's Sam?" she asked while putting the baby down, not really caring, but wanting to make some form of conversation.

Jason looked up at her quizzically and she shrugged her shoulders, "Jase, I need something to talk about. Since everyone who caught the virus showed up at…came today, I'm guessing she's doing better?" Carly questioned, cursing herself for bringing up the horrible event that occurred that day.

Jason nodded, "Yeah, Robin told her and the other patients that the antidote was effective and they couldn't spread the virus, but they would be having flu symptoms for the next couple of days. There's really nothing to worry about."

"Oh, that's…nice." Carly said, trying to find the appropriate word. Jason looked at her with a smirk, the only slight form of a smile since the day it ended. The smile faded as Jason looked down at his hands and kept his eyes there for what felt like forever to Carly.

"Was Sam ok with you going today?" she said, trying to catch up with gossip as wells as strike some conversation. However, it wasn't a good topic choice.

Jason's looked up, his eyes ablaze with anger. "Yes, why wouldn't she be?" he spat.

Carly slightly cowered, but then sat up straighter then before, "I just figured that she just got out of the hospital and wouldn't want you out of the house much. Especially for Courtney's…"

"Carly! I don't want to hear it." He yelled, and then regretted it as he watched the once sleeping baby stir in his sleep. He prayed he didn't open those recognizable eyes, and thankfully, he didn't.

Carly jumped at his outburst; of course he was standing up for that thing he called a fiancée. But when she noticed the tears in his eyes, Carly realized he wasn't mad about the comment she made regarding Sam. It was that she almost mentioned her funeral. Carly took a deep breath realizing how much this was hurting him.

"Jason you're going to have to accept it…" Carly began, tearfully, realizing how much Jason was hurting as she tried to reach for him.

"Carly, don't…" he began, moving from her grasp.

"You'll have to accept she's gone…" Carly cried, holding his arms.

"Stop Carly! Just stop…" he began to yell, not caring if the baby woke.

"No! I will not stop! Courtney's gone Jason! She's dead!" Carly screamed as her tears ran down her cheekbones past her chin. Jason stood there frozen, his mouth slightly open as the pain finally settled in that had been threatening to overwhelm his body for the past few days. He couldn't breathe or look at Carly at that moment.

Carly saw the effect her words had him. Quietly, while brushing away the tears that had gathered, she added, "And you and everyone else, including myself, will have to learn to accept it."

At that moment, the young child began to fuss from the bassinette that Carly had put him down in. She walked over to him, furiously wiping away at the tears that couldn't stop. She looked down at the small bundle, the only link left to her best friend. Carly noticed this was one of the baby's hungry cries and lifted him gingerly, while whispering sweet nothings in his ear, "He's hungry. Can you hold him while I go make his formula?"

"Carly, I don't think that's a good idea…" Jason began, slightly trembling from the emotional state he was in and the thought of holding her child…her child that wasn't his.

"Jason, please. He's hungry and crying and I won't be able to make a bottle if I'm holding him. Please Jason, just please…" Carly cried, becoming slightly hysterical. Whatever she felt at that moment reminded Carly of herself when Michael was born. Being so scared of holding or touching the baby, she couldn't do it.

Jason saw the familiar look in Carly's eyes; panic, fear and confusion. He knew it would be wrong of him not to help him no matter how much it would hurt him, "Carly, I'll help ok? Just give me the baby and go make his formula."

Carly nodded, handed the baby over to Jason and walked out of the room. She walked into the kitchen and began to prepare the bottle. As she warmed it in a pot on her stove, she slowly began to cry. Every time a sob escaped her lips, the tears gushed out harder. She had tried so hard for the past few days to remain calm and strong for everyone she loved. Her children, Sonny, Jason, Mike…but now being alone in the kitchen made her feel like she could release all emotions she felt.

Carly didn't understand. C-sections were performed everyday on women who were at higher risks then even Courtney and her child, yet the one procedure that could save her child would end up taking Carly's best friend's life. She couldn't understand why a loving and nurturing woman like Courtney couldn't have the baby she always wanted and finally when she did, her own life was ended. Carly couldn't believe that women such as herself and Sam, that never wanted children, ended up being able to bear children almost whenever they wanted. Yet Courtney had to fight like hell for her baby, and from the moment she found out she was pregnant to that horrible twist of fate in the emergency room, her pregnancy was full of turmoil with the few moments of happiness. Happiness…she couldn't remember the last time she had seen Courtney truly happy. She looked over at a drawer in her kitchen before walking over to open it. As she pulled out old photographs she found the picture of the four of them on Jason and Courtney's wedding day. She put her finger over Courtney's face and rubbed it gently before moving it over Jason's, forming an invisible heart over there heads with the trail of where her fingers had touched. She couldn't believe that it was going to be three years this October that there wedding took place. And now Courtney was gone and she knew that a piece of them all died with her.

Meanwhile, Jason stood in the living room gently rocking the baby back and forth, trying to put him back to sleep. He tried to make those blue orbs shut so he didn't have to look into them anymore. Maybe his voice could lull the baby back to his once peaceful slumber, "Um…I don't really know how to talk to a baby or really what to say. I mean you're not even a week old. There can't be much we have in common." He paused for a moment to catch his breath and stop his emotions from overpowering his own voice. "We do share one thing though, your mother. Courtney…I can't even sum her up in a few words. Your mother was the most extraordinary woman or person I've ever met. You want to know how I met her? She thought I was hitting on her when she was waiting on me at Kelly's." He paused to laugh a slightly emotional laugh, recalling the day that had happened so long ago.

_**Memory seeps from my veins**_

_**Let me be empty**_

_**And weightless and maybe**_

_**I'll find some peace tonight**_

"Courtney did jump to her own conclusions sometimes. I had to admit, I probably would've hit on her if she wasn't my brother's wife. But I don't think you want to hear about me hitting on your mother or AJ for that matter. I fell for your mom hard, kid. And those couple of years I was with Courtney, they were some of the best times of my life. Your mom…she loved old movies. She once promised me something that I can't tell you until your eighteen or maybe ever, if I'd go pick up My Fair Lady from the video store. She loved heavy metal music, going for jogs in the park with her dog Rosie and watching Saturday morning cartoons in her pajamas while eating cold pizza. She didn't like people who smoked, rap music and hated anything that tasted like mint. Those are a few of the things that I remember about her, but you want to know something? That doesn't even come close to describing Courtney. She had so much ambition and she had love for everyone and everything. She was stubborn and could be a worry wart at times, but other than that…she was perfect in my eyes. She was the first woman who ever loved me completely, with every fiber of her being and didn't ask for anything in return. Sure, we split and we lost touch, but I will always consider your mom to be my soul mate. I never believed in those, but Courtney…she had a way to make you trust that love was all you needed and for awhile, that held true for us. I know there were moments we both messed up and times I caused her more pain then happiness, but Courtney always said the bad times helped her appreciate the good ones even more. Your mom always was the eternal optimist. And I loved her…to…to this day I love her." Jason said before a tear slipped down his cheek and landed on the small child's cheek. He wiped it away and struggled to continue.

_**And it's hard at the end of the day**_

_**I need some distraction**_

_**Oh beautiful release**_

"You look so much like her, do you know that?" The baby cooed happily and Jason smiled with tears in his eyes. "You've got her fair skin, her small nose and her lips. Hell, if it wasn't for that small patch of black peach fuzz on your head, that's clearly from your dad, I'd think only Courtney was involved in you being here. You know what makes you look most like your mom? Those eyes that make me shiver every time I look at you. I see Courtney right through you and it kills me while at the same time calms me. All she had to do was look at me and I was a puddle at her feet. I hurt your mom, kid. There were times I wished I could've kicked myself in the crotch for the crap I pulled on your mom. I told her I got another woman pregnant while we were still married, slammed the door in her face and shut her out of my life completely. I regret…I regret everyday I may have made her sad or angry or hurt…I never wanted to make her cry…but I did." He said as more tears slipped down his face. "I regret not seeing her…not seeing her before the surgery and never telling her how much she truly meant. I wish…I just want to see her one last time you know? I just want a chance…"

_**Spend all your time waiting**_

_**For that second chance**_

_**For a break that would make it okay**_

Jason couldn't finish. His breaths were coming in short pants and the tears that were running down his cheeks were burning his eyes. At that moment, Carly walked out of the kitchen and was shocked at the scene she saw. Jason was cradling the baby close to his chest and had his cheek pressed to the baby's forehead as tears fell from his eyes. Carly's breath caught in her throat at the heartbreaking but beautiful sight in front of her.

"I wish I knew what she was thinking when you were born. I always wondered what Courtney would be like in delivery, or a c-section for that matter. I wondered if she would be already planning where you'd go for college or what color to paint your room or what to name you. I wish I knew if she named you what she planned on naming our baby boy…but I don't think she remembered." The last few words upset him at the thought that Courtney forgot their talks of babies and the future in the wee hours of the morning.

"She didn't forget." Carly whispered loud enough for him to hear. Jason whirled around as fast as he could with a baby in his arms. Carly walked up to him slowly and handed him the bottle. She watched as Jason sat down and began to feed the baby. She sighed deeply and sat down next to him, "When Courtney was about four months pregnant, we had lunch at Kelly's and I asked her all baby questions; what she wanted, if she was scared for delivery and then I asked about names. Courtney got this weird, loopy look on her face and then it clouded over when she said she still had to talk to Jax about the names. I told her she could tell me which names she liked and she said for a girl she liked Lillian Grace and for a boy…"

"Matthew Evan." Jason replied while staring down at the baby drink greedily from the bottle. He never felt such a strong urge to be constantly crying, but these memories of Courtney weren't helping his emotional state. "We…One night, we were sitting in bed and Courtney just brought up baby names. I told her I wouldn't be much help since I didn't really know how to name a baby, but she insisted we try to come up with some ideas, just for fun. Lillian was Courtney's idea. She wanted to give the baby a name that was similar to Lila's and Lillian came pretty close. She asked me for a middle name and I picked Grace. It had a nice ring…Lillian Grace Morgan. Then for naming a boy, that's where it got interesting. Courtney picked Evan as a middle name and insisted on a first name that I had to pick. I just kept thinking until I just used Courtney's maiden name. She started tearing up when I said Matthew Evan Morgan and at that moment…God, at that moment, I never thought I saw her so radiant and beautiful, other then our wedding day." He looked back down at the baby fighting the tears that were urging themselves out. "She was so beautiful…so, so beautiful."

Carly began to tear up, "She named him Stephen Evan Matthews-Cassadine. Not as nice as your suggestion. When Jax told her that Nikolas was the father, she automatically changed the name on the birth certificate. Nikolas asked to use Stephen in honor of Stefan; no matter how bad things got with them he did love the guy. Anyway, he told Courtney to choose the middle name and she chose Evan. After kissing Stephen good-bye, Courtney…she just let go." Carly stopped to sniffle and take a deep breath. She watched as Jason set the bottle down and pulled the baby's forehead to his lips as the tears continued to fall.

"Jase?" Jason turned to look at Carly, "You know…Courtney probably wanted you to know…she wanted you to know…she did love you, Jason. Up until that last breath, I know that somehow, somewhere, you were on Courtney's mind. And I know that being with you was probably some of the happiest times of her life."

"Carly, I caused her so much pain, so much heartbreak. I look back on it all and regret it." Jason said, while walking over to the bassinette to put a sleeping Stephen down.

"You regret being with her?" Carly asked her mouth slightly agape at the thought.

_**There's always one reason**_

_**To feel not good enough**_

"No Carly, I regret whatever harm or hurt I caused her. She was…God she was everything to me Carly. My heart is aching at the thought that I miss Courtney this much, but I'm going home to Sam tonight, who is my fiancée. I just…why weren't we still together Carly? Why did I give up on her? And why am I regretting leaving her when I love Sam now?" Jason asked. He was confused as he cradled his head in his hands.

"Maybe it's because your love for Sam doesn't compare to your love for Courtney." Jason looked up at her with wide eyes. "Jason, what you and Courtney had…it was beautiful. It made me believe that everyone has one soul mate, and that was what you were for Courtney and vice-versa."

"Carly, I do love Sam. Maybe you can't stand her but I do love her and nothing you say could change that." Jason said angrily.

_**You keep on building the lie**_

_**That you make up for all that you lack**_

_**It don't make no difference**_

_**Escaping one last time**_

"Ok, what if Courtney survived the c-section? What if you knew how much her death would affect you then? Would you not do anything about it? Jason, I'm willing to bet money that if you knew then how you would feel now, wild horses couldn't stop you from dropping Sam and running back to Courtney." Carly told him angrily. She didn't want to hear the way Jason loved Sam, he had belonged with Courtney.

Jason stood there, taken aback by Carly's outburst. He wondered if he would've chosen Courtney over Sam. He didn't want to think about it now. He walked past Carly, walked over to Stephen's crib and told the sleeping baby he'd see him soon. As he walked out the door, Carly let out a heavy sob. She fell to the couch and pulled the picture out of her dress sleeve. She looked at it before taking the empty picture frame that stood on the coffee table in front of her and opening the back of it. She looked at the picture one more time before placing it in the frame. She turned it and smiled at the picture and the frame with the simple word "Family" atop it. She walked over to Stephen's bassinette, "See my little nephew, this is the way it was supposed to be." Carly placed the frame in the bassinette and smiled down in tears at the baby who was reaching for his mother's face.

Jason walked down the street, his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground. He was lost. Not in the directional sense, but his emotions felt so out of whack. He was in love with Sam, grieving over Courtney and remembering all the moments he shared with her. The first meeting, the guarding, the stalking, the kiss in the rain, the first date, first night making love, the loft, the wedding, all these memories were hitting him like a ton of bricks. Before he knew it, he was standing in front of Jake's. He laughed bitterly and looked to the sky, "Is this supposed to be a sign? Cause I really don't get it."

"You never did catch on very quick."

He whirled around quickly at the sound of the voice. He was crazy for thinking it, but that voice was haunting. He looked and blinked a few times. There in front of him was Courtney, a sleeveless, white silk gown atop her beautiful body. Her feet bore no shoes and she was fresh faced. Her hair was blowing around her softly and there was a white glow surrounding her body. Jason shook his head before turning and closing his eyes. He whispered to himself, "No, this isn't happening."

"It's not? I'm not standing here in front of you?" Courtney asked jokingly as she smiled at Jason's confusion.

"You…You're gone…You left me…You can't be here. It's impossible." Jason said frantically.

"Nothing's impossible if you love someone enough. Of course, I had to fight like hell to get a moment down here again, but I've got it in with one of the head angels up there. She still thanks me for making you so happy." Courtney explained.

"You…You're with Lila?" he asked through heavy breaths.

"Yeah, she says hi. Jason, I saw you. I saw you and Carly talking tonight." Courtney said hesitantly.

Jason was in shock, "You can see everything from up there?"

"Almost everything. I saw you and Carly taking care of my baby boy." She paused as tears formed in her beautiful eyes at the thought of her young son, "Watch over him for me Jase. Make sure he knows I love him. You did a great job of trying to tell him about me tonight. No mention of the My Fair Lady incident ever to my sweet boy, ok?" she teased through tears.

Jason smiled slightly as his eyes clouded with tears, "Jase?" He looked up as she took a deep breath, "I never thought this would be possible, but there's someone I wanted you to meet."

Jason looked at Courtney quizzically before a little girl ran up to Courtney out of nowhere. She jumped in her arms, wearing something similar to what Courtney was wearing. Jason looked at the child and shook.

"Jason, I want you to meet Lillian Grace Morgan. Our daughter." Courtney said through a smile.

Of course it was. She had his light blue eyes and his thin lips. Platinum blond hair ran down in ringlets from the top of her head and the smile on her face was identical to the woman's who was holding her. Jason stood there in shock, trembling as tears of joy and sorrow ran down his cheeks.

Courtney looked at him and smiled. She whispered in her daughter's ear before setting the child down. She took one look at Jason and ran at him at top speed. Jason leaned down to scoop up his daughter as she put her head on his shoulder. He pressed his cheek to hers and began to cry like a child himself. He stroked her soft hair and held onto his daughter for dear life.

Courtney felt her tears slip down her cheeks. This was the way it was supposed to be, minus her and her child being in heaven. If only things could be different.

Jason held onto his daughter as long as he could before she got down from his arms. She took his face in her hands and gave him a kiss on each cheek before whispering, "I'll see you again someday, right Daddy?"

Jason let out a choked sob. He hadn't known this little girl for more then five minutes, but the moment she called him Daddy, his heart sell with love and pain at the thought of letting her and Courtney go, "Of course you will, Princess. We'll always be together right here." He pointed to his heart and then hers. He kissed her on her cheek before she walked off and disappeared. Jason shook with sobs as Courtney watched him, crying her own silent tears. Jason sobered up after awhile and looked at Courtney, "She's beautiful."

"I know its cause she got lucky not looking like you." Courtney joked while winking at him. They both laughed the tiniest of laughs. "I'm just kidding. She's got your beautiful eyes and your cute little lips."

Jason smiled a little as he brushed the gathered tears away, "She's as gorgeous as her mother."

Courtney blushed, "You can still do that to me."

"What?"

"Make me blush all over." She joked, while at the same time was serious.

He looked at her and could only say what he felt in his heart, "I miss you. I know we hadn't been close before you left. But it's true. I miss you and I-I still love you."

Courtney shivered, 'I kind of hoped you still did."

He moved closer to her. Courtney trembled, "Jason, what about Sam?"

"I care about Sam. But she's not you. And she never will be. You were it for me Courtney. It will always be you." He said as his lips crashed down on hers as the skies above clapped with thunder and lightning. Their lips moved against each others so perfectly. They hadn't kissed in what felt like forever and their lips felt so familiar to each other's. The smoothness of their lips, the sweetness of their tongues, how good it felt. The light drizzle came down from the skies and then began to pour heavier as the passion of the kiss intensified. He touched her and felt the thunder and lightning run through his veins. After the need for air became evident, their lips broke slowly. She looked at him and caressed his cheek.

Jason stared into her eyes, "Let me come with you. I-I want to go back there with you."

"Jason it's not possible…" Courtney began as she slightly pulled away.

He grabbed onto her, "Why not? I know I don't belong in heaven for anything I've done. I can change though Courtney. If I knew I could be with you and Lillian, I would change in a heartbeat."

"Jason, you can't die to be with us. Your time isn't up yet." Jason cursed out loud, "Jason you still have a life to live. You and Sam will get married and have children. You'll watch them grow and it will fill you with such happiness…"

"How can I be happy if I'm only happy with you and I only want to be Lillian's father? Courtney, Sam will never fill me like you do" Jason explained.

_**It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh**_

_**This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees**_

"Jason…" He wouldn't look at her. She grabbed his face and turned him to look at her. She saw him with tears in his eyes as her own began to fall, "You, Jason Morgan, will not stop living on a count of me. You will go on. You will love and you will hate. You will laugh and you will cry. You'll have children and teach them right from wrong. And whenever you want, you will remember Lillian and me. And you will know how much we love and miss you. One day Jason, I promise you, we will be a family again. But for the moment being, go on and live your life Jason. I'll be waiting for you."

He looked at her through blurry eyes before taking her in another hungry kiss. The thunder, lightning, the rain, her lips…it was so perfect. But it had to end. They held onto each other's hands and whispered, 'We will meet again." She slowly walked backwards and blew him a kiss. She disappeared into the night. As soon as she was gone, a chain with two rings fell from the sky. He picked them up and gasped: they were Courtney and his rings. He looked to the sky as one last raindrop fell on his lips. It tasted like Courtney

(5 years later)

**_In the arms of an angel…_**

"We need a doctor over here." Sam McCall screamed as the EMS doctors pushed the stretcher into General Hospital's Emergency Room. Dr. Emily-once-again-Cassadine ran up to the stretcher and was shocked at the sight on the stretcher. It was her brother.

**_Fly away from here…_**

"Sam, what happened?" Emily asked before they rushed Jason into one of the ER rooms.

**_From this dark cold hotel room…_**

Sam sighed and spat out angrily through falling tears, "What do you think? We were arguing again. We were fighting about him leaving for Costa Rica for one of Sonny's missions. I don't know he just said he was getting a headache and I thought he was trying to stop talking about it…I kept going and he just passed out in front of my feet."

**_And the endlessness that you fear…_**

Emily ran into the room, angry at Sam for making the last few years after Courtney's death especially hard for her brother, "He was suffering from a headache before he passed out. It may be an aneurism." As the words left her mouth, the machines hooked up to Jason began to beep loudly.

"We have a Code Blue. Code Blue." One of the nurses yelled out.

Emily whispered under her breath, "C'mon Jason. Hold on."

Sam burst out from behind the curtain, "No Jason! You have to hold on. We're supposed to be getting married next month. Jason, hold on. We're getting married." She kept wailing with fat tears rolling down her cheeks.

But all of Sam's yelling and Emily's wishing couldn't keep him there. His head fell to the side as the monotone beep and a scream were all that was left to hear.

_**You are pulled from the wreckage**_

**_Of your silent reverie…_**

_Jason looked down at himself dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans. This was a change. He didn't know where he was walking, but it was a beautiful meadow that looked so alive on this spring day, filled with flowers and bright green grass. All of a sudden a little girl ran into his arms and kissed his cheek, "Hi Daddy!"_

_**You're in the arms of the angel**_

_He looked at her with a crown of wildflowers around her head, "I told you we'd see each other again, didn't I Princess? _

_She nodded and kissed his cheek as Jason heard the clearing of a throat to make him realize she was present. He smiled at the thought that engulfed his mind: she never was subtle._

_**May you find some comfort here**_

_He looked over the little girl's shoulder and saw her walking towards him. He put his daughter down and walked up to the blonde beauty. He looked into her eyes before kissing her deeply. As they pulled away she whispered, "I'm blushing again." He smiled._


End file.
